tap, tap, tap - Is This Thing On?

Hi there.  Well...hmm...where do I begin?  I've been away from my blog for almost 3 weeks now and I have more things to post about than I have time for.  I've been out of town twice, baby Ian is awake for most of the day, and when he is napping, I'm trying to keep our house clean and playing constant catch-up on e-mails and random projects. 

In short, I'm too busy for blogging right now :(  But the baby's napping now and the house work is done enough, and I'm taking a second to catch up.  Hope y'all won't mind an onslaught of posts over the next week or so!
Another thing, while I've got the "mic," is that I get into this mood sometimes where I feel like this whole blog thing is a load of poo.  lol.  I've got postpartum hormones.

Uh-oh, get ready.  You can stop reading now if you like.  I feel an emotional, frustrated-Christian, stream-of-conscious, spew-fest welling up.  I might step on your toes because I'm just in one of those moods...you can really stop reading now.  I'm not going to edit this...'just gonna hit "publish."

It's just that the blog world, in general, is so "look at me, look at me!" and there's all this facebook junk where we all waste our time compiling lists of our "favs," showing off pictures of our lives, and bothering to make what we're eating for lunch public knowledge. 

Look at us.  It's kind of disgusting.

...we're so busy making dinner plans, decorating our homes, going on vacations, buying new cars, buying, buying, buying...

...we're busy making money so we can buy more...we're busy organizing all the stuff we bought so we can make room for more stuff we plan to buy...we're busy dreaming about ways to make our identities glorious...ways to stake our claim in the world...ways to climb the ladder...

...we're busy with families and friends and activities...we're busy with crafts and recipes...we're busy with news and politics...we're busy with arguing over our different philosophies...and a lot of us are busy pointing fingers at others or shaking our fists at God...

And in the end, it's all going to disappear.  In the end, we've run around like fools with blinders on, failing to see the big picture - that there's one Almighty God who runs this program. 

We ignore the poor; we ignore the orphans; we ignore the old shut-ins; we ignore the oppressed and the beaten; we ignore the little girls who are sold into sex trafficking.  We ignore the half of the world that can't read.  We ignore the people who are lonely in prison.  We ignore street people.  We ignore the guys with the cardboard signs.  We ignore the millions of starving people.  We ignore the millions of children who are dying because they don't have clean water.

I'm convicted.  So I spew.

Sometimes (ouch, sometimes it's hard to be transparent), sometimes I feel like I'm spinning in circles trying to make something of my life...trying to claim some unique identity...trying to "follow my dreams"...trying to be special...trying to make myself as happy and as comfortable as possible.

and then lately, God has given me some clear reminders that He is the Special One...He is the Famous One...He should be my goal, my dreams, and the One who gets all my efforts.  I should stop trying to make something of myself...'cause frankly, it's just not my life to be making something of.

and I'm sick of ignoring hurting people.  and I'm sick of working so hard to make myself happy and comfortable.  and I'm just sick of how selfish and fraidy-cat I am.

I'm this close, this close I tell you, to praying that God makes some use of my life, for His purposes, regardless of the cost. 

I'm a little scared, but you just watch...I'm gonna do it someday.  Maybe today.  I'm this close.  I don't care what you believe about God...I believe in Him and I love Him, and I feel certain that a prayer like that doesn't go unanswered.

I gave my life to Jesus Christ.  To some of you, that may sound so backwards and creepy.  To me, it means that I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ - that I am a sinner, and through Him I'm adopted into God's redeemed family.

So what's that have to do with anything?  Well...I belong to Him.  I'm not my own.  I was purchased at a very very high price.  I shouldn't cling so tightly to my life as if I owned it.  As if I have the right to "make something of myself." 

So...phew, deep breath.  So I know I'm all at one extreme end of the teeter-totter here, and here in a little while I'll go back to writing about recipes and meal plans and about what my baby's up to lately,  'cause I don't think that stuff is wrong...in fact, sometimes they're good things.  But my motives and my focus have been getting way off-track lately, and I'm ready for some changes. 

I don't want to get distracted by good things and miss the great things.  I ready to forget about my own life and start investing it into things that matter.

I'm almost done...are you still reading?  I had a dream once...well...maybe I'll save that for another post...


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