Hey there! I've been missing lately, haven't I? Sometimes I do that here on this weird blog. I just have a baby and then disappear for a while.
Soooo, I just had my third baby. Wow. Ya know, before I go any further, I just want to tell you one of the first things that comes to mind when I write "third baby." I have a few dear friends that are suffering the emotional pangs of infertility, and I ache for them when I'm around them; and I'm gonna be quick to admit that parenting is HARD (like real life, super hard sometimes), but I don't want a day to go by without being grateful.
And really y'all, I am grateful.
I've been in the sappiest mood for the past 8 weeks. Tonight I held my sleeping boy - my first born - and he was so heavy...so very long...arms and head hanging back over my elbow with the weight of him all. Seriously y'all, it's almost that time where I won't be able to carry him anymore. He's big. I cried.
So I started to write just a general post of my life lately with "number 3," but then changed my title to "How Bad Do You Want It?" because I think I'm finally ready to write my final post for the Intentional Christian Motherhood series that I started a year ago. So here goes; I'll be as transparent as possible for the sake of the ministry that I long to take place in some small way through this blog...
How Bad Do You Want It?
The past 8 weeks have been emotional, hormonal, hectic, and full of new challenges. As I adjust to having these three little human beings - ages 0, 2, & 3 - under my care, I have gone from mountaintop high to face-on-the-floor-sobbing low.
There's nothing that humbles a woman quite like becoming a mother.
With a new baby, two wild & destructive toddlers, lots of interrupted sleep, a messy house with projects piling up, the unrelenting demands of housework and grownup responsibilities, a renovation project underway, and a myriad of other pressures and preoccupations (some profound, some superficial)...I grow so very weary.
Many days I see my weariness of mind, body, and soul manifesting itself in anger and bitterness. I ignore it, resist it, pray regularly for it to go away, speak quietly through it, but bitterness is a root - it can plunge deeply and multiply like a weed.
We have these really strange heirloom lilies that grow in front of our house. They're very unruly and unsightly and I've wanted to get rid of them for years. Tedd once dug down to remove their root systems, having to dig several FEET - that's deep for plant removal. But even after such an effort, they grew back the next Spring.
Roots of bitterness can't be ignored, suppressed, or resisted by human effort. I know this. That's why I sobbed as I walked my fussy baby to sleep in a dark bedroom that night.
"God...I loathe every part of my evil nature. I want the fruit of your Spirit! I want peace, joy, patience, self-control...I don't want to be who I am! I want to be obedient to you. I want to be the woman you made me to be! But I can't do it! I'm failing so miserably..."
With a broken heart I cried.
"God! I'm not asking for money...I'm not asking for stuff...I'm asking for you to transform my heart and mind! I want to love like you do and I just can't do it...please God! I'm so desperate! Will you use the same power that resurrected Christ from the dead to change my heart and my mind?..."
And that's when I "heard"
"Through the cleansing of my Word."
(this came to mind because of the verse in Ephesians: "...as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word...")
"How bad do you want it?"
I'm not one to quickly say "the Lord spoke to me," but as I cried out with hot tears of desperation for God to transform my heart and mind, I felt in the depths of me the silent booming voice of the Lord, telling me…”Through the cleansing of my Word.” Asking me..."how bad do you want it?"
It meant something to me, because for over a year now I've been shamefully lazy about daily Bible reading. I have let a hundred other things come before reading His Word and I can't even use the excuse that "I don't have time."
I know I do. When I began to honestly evaluate my lack of Bible-reading, it was clear to me that I just didn't want to. Sometimes because of apathy, sometimes laziness, sometimes for lack of desire; I knew clearly in my mind that it was important, but the bottom line was I just didn't want to bad enough.
I had just talked to my husband about it the night before, confessing my laziness.
So maybe I don't always enjoy reading the Bible, but one thing was clear to me after I'd begged for true lasting heart change...how bad do I want it? How badly do I want to change? How serious am I?
Friends, the Word of God is alive. It's active.
I believe God can transform - cleanse - my heart and my mind, and make me the mother He created me to be, by the power of His Word.
And I want it.
I want it bad. (-ly) (yes, “badly,” I know)
I want to be that mom God created me to be. A mother that fulfills His will for me during this little blip-on-the-radar lifetime I'm breathing in. I want a pure heart. I want my mothering, and all of my relationships, to flow from that.
"Read your Bible, pray every day...if you want to grow." is the song my children sing.
How badly do you want it?
Read your Bible. Pray. If you want to grow.